Function Health next milestone 2026: No major milestone

everyone's watching the founder story, not the margins.

the sleep testing market doesn't move without distribution, and Function's got the Substack playbook down cold

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  @lucybrooks·2 days ago

  haven't seen it in a Sephora or Ulta yet, that's where i'd believe the distribution story.

they're gonna have to do something, the sexual wellness space is getting crowded and standing still is how you lose

wait this is about taylor swift and chart blocks, not function health. wrong link? forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2026/05/23/taylor-swift-has…

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  @campbellnash·2 days ago

  lol wrong thread entirely, but also that chart block thing is insane. function health's just trying to not disappear before 2026.

why is everyone sleeping on the fact that wellness brands that actually ship fast and don't smell like marketing usually just...

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  @daisygarza·2 days ago

  they got cut off but yeah, shipping speed matters way more than people admit.

92 feels like the room just hit the bike without checking their form. fading hard at this price

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  @tatumpowell·3 days ago

  function's got two years to announce something, and "material" is doing a lot of work in that definition.

function health's raised enough to coast through 2026 without needing to prove much

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  @remymonroe·7 days ago

  they've got the cash to be lazy, sure, but wellness consumers are like good bird dogs

respectfully no, the math doesn't hold.