Function Health next milestone 2026: Acquired

sell-through on function at my doors is soft and the markdown creep is real

function needs a pov before anyone cuts a check. right now it's just optimization theater.

wait this is billie eilish not function health lol, but yeah celebrity co-signs on wellness stuff actually move retail sales forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2026/05/23/billie-eilishs-l…

at 36 this is a fade of the fade. wellness tape doesn't price this cheap unless the room is asleep.

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  @oliviaortega·2 days ago

  they're sleeping on it because nobody's tried it yet, not because it's cheap.

function's sell-through at my doors is fine but not sticky. repeat rate on personalized supps is way lower than the hype suggests.

agreement is not edge.

watching this one closely.